because me and vander were supposed to be able to take care of you all. me when vander couldn't anymore. i taught you guys how to defend yourselves, but i also wanted you guys to have something better. that's why i wanted to fight so bad, for the Undercity to get something it deserves.
but it all went to hell. i never wanted a war for you guys. just a means to stay alive.
( minutes passes as she reads this, no longer than five because she doesn't want to leave her sister hanging or think something happened to her while she's still out and about. )
vi. i think.... the fight between us and topside, it would had happened anyway. no matter if silco was around or if i shot my missile. our people were thirsty for blood way before then, u know? when we were kids. if it wasnt him or me, it would had been someone else on our side. peace stopped being an option a long time ago.
i know back there i said hypothetically speaking if i had shimmer here and blahblah stuff.... its not actually hypothetical.
( oh my god, who would had guessed??????!?!??! oh noooooo... )
and when i get home, im... going to take it. so. i can feel like myself again. just thought u should know since we're on this starting over gig and we're being honest.
[she's quiet for a long time, and she runs her hands over her face. there's no way it'll ever make her happy, honestly. especially not after seeing what Shimmer has done to the Lanes.]
and it's just going to... help you. medicinally. right?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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how are you so calm...?
[she's not okay At All. hence her leaving that fucking maze.]
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i know u dont THINK im a weapon but i am.
or maybe a super soldier has a better ring to it than a weapon.
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but i still don't like it.
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so whats wrong w me being a soldier?
im not mad by the way. i know this might come off as me being pissy but im not. i just really want to understand.
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but it all went to hell. i never wanted a war for you guys. just a means to stay alive.
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vi. i think.... the fight between us and topside, it would had happened anyway. no matter if silco was around or if i shot my missile. our people were thirsty for blood way before then, u know? when we were kids. if it wasnt him or me, it would had been someone else on our side. peace stopped being an option a long time ago.
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all i wanted was for you to have something better. i know you might think it's dumb, but it's what i wanted.
but... at least while we're here, we don't have to deal with that shit. not really.
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( .... )
hey. can i tell u a secret? 2 actually.
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yeah, go ahead.
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i know back there i said hypothetically speaking if i had shimmer here and blahblah stuff....
its not actually hypothetical.
( oh my god, who would had guessed??????!?!??! oh noooooo... )
and when i get home, im... going to take it. so. i can feel like myself again. just thought u should know since we're on this starting over gig and we're being honest.
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[she's quiet for a long time, and she runs her hands over her face. there's no way it'll ever make her happy, honestly. especially not after seeing what Shimmer has done to the Lanes.]
and it's just going to... help you. medicinally. right?
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ill be good as new, promise.
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shimmer is... i just don't understand it. i've seen it do so many bad things.
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the old versions werent... too great i think. i only delivered the stuff back then so.
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i just don't want that for you.
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( but she isn't taking a picture. )
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go for it
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but i dont want to go back home.
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i don't know if i want to go back home, either. what's waiting for us there...
[she doesn't have to comment. things can only go downhill from here.]
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you know...eventually english will work for me.
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🎀 soonish
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